October Baby Movie

I just finished watching the movie "October Baby" and without giving anyone any teasers about it I just can't help write out my thoughts since it's all fresh in my mind.  As I sit here with tears rolling down my face all I can think of is my Daddy, my sweet Nehemiah, and my cousin Paul.

How much I miss them. How much my Daddy meant so much to me even if I only knew him for 14 years of my life. I looked up to my Daddy. I was his baby girl. As I sit here and listen to Elanie talking and playing with her Daddy I still wish I could just sit and talk to my Daddy. I wonder how life would be with him still here. Would he of been a changed person or would he of still been the person he was. It doesn't matter though because to me he is and was still my Daddy.

My sweet Nehemiah who lived in my womb for a short 8-12 weeks. Oh how I loved my little baby who I saw moving around with a beating heart. How could life be so short? I am still blessed to be able to say I have a son or a daughter in Heaven that I will meet some day. The night that I finished my banner for the CarlyMarie event that will happen on October 15th, I swaddled Elanie as she was fighting to go to sleep, I wept as she sang "Jesus Loves Me," I wept because all I could think of that night was that I will never have the chance to put my sweet Nehemiah to sleep.

My cousin Paul, oh how I miss you cuz! Today marks 11 months since you entered Heaven. Your in such an awesome place, yet I sit here with a heavy heart that only the Lord knows why. I just want another ;) on Yahoo Messenger. I am wearing your yellow smiley face shirt that your Mommy mailed me as a surprise. Right now it has stains of tears and makeup from crying so much from the movie.

As I go to sleep tonight I just want to be in the arms of my Heavenly Father. I haven't cried in awhile and I knew a day would come where I could just let it all out.

If you haven't forgiven someone, if you feel rejected, if you feel that no one is there for you and your all alone, if you feel weak in your faith, go to the Lord and ask Him to heal your pain, help you forgive, and rest assured your life will start to turn and you will know it's from Him above.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Goodnight family & friends!

In Christ,
Melanie

Lyrics

That song that plays... You hear it once, twice, three times... It's a beautiful worship song... Today it touched my heart like WOW! Our church's worship team has started to write their own songs and one of them is the one that WOW'd me today. I heard it back in Easter time and then watched it many times on video on Facebook.

Today was the day. As I sang the lyrics:

Oceans rise
Hope may fade
Through my life
You remain

Yes those lyrics touched me like never before today. The Lord was showing me just yesterday that my JOY has been renewed in my life, heart, soul, body, home, EVERYWHERE. For about 2 years my joy was not in me. You may ask "why?" Well that's for another post.

Let me just say that if your hope fades away at anytime in your life, pray that the Lord will renew it. If your joy fades, ask Him to renew it. He can renew ANYTHING! Marriage, finances, relationships, ANYTHING!!!

In Psalms 51:10 it says: " Create in my a clean heart, O God.  Renew a loyal spirit within me."

Ask and you shall receive! Maybe not in your time (took 2 years) but in His time ;)

It Is Well With My Soul,
Melanie

Dream

I don't dream a lot but when I do it's a good dream and it's one I either need to journal or blog about. This morning I woke up feeling so awesome because in my dream I led a girl to Christ. I have never in real life brought anyone to Christ, YET!

In my dream I was with my sister Fay, my cousin Philip, my Titi Evelyn, and my Tio Fred.  We were in a lazy river.  Philip was doing silly dives and my sister and I were just cracking up. All three of us decided we wanted to go to the other side of the lazy river so Fay and I grabbed onto Philip's arms, and as we were about to start swimming a girl grabbed my arm and said "I need you to pray for me." I then told her "Okay let me get to the other side of the river and then I will find you and pray with you."

I went and found her and we found a curb to sit and talk and pray.  She began to tell me her problems and and tried to give her the best advice I could give her from my heart.  It was as if she was yearning to just sit and tell someone everything and in return have someone pray with her. After awhile I asked her if she had ever asked Jesus Christ into her heart. She mentioned no she never had and so I asked her if she wanted to. She wasn't sure and hesitated a bit and then she said "Yes I want to."

I grabbed her hand and for some reason we were praying over her belly. She then began to shake and cry and then my sister brought her some kleenex. I went back to the car where my family was and we drove off.

The End...

Like I stated before I don't dream often. I believe dreams are brought into your sleep to tell you something and to be fast to pray about it. I know there are many of us hurting and need that someone to pray for them EVEN if you don't know them.

With this dream the verse that came to my heart was: "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden…Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Farther who is in heaven (MAT 5:14a, MAT 5:16)."

Have a blessed weekend,
Melanie

Pregnancy Resource Center

We have 4 more months before the Army moves our belongings for the very.last.time. With that said we decided to start decluttering.  We have decided that we don't want any more children (unless the Lord places it in our hearts of course) so I thought the playpen could go to Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then I thought as I was driving towards Salvation Army that the Pregnancy Resource Center here in my town needs donations. It has a screw missing and I know that I couldn't consign it at the thrift store but I know it can be fixed in 1, 2, 3 by someone. I googled the Pregnancy Resource Center on my cell as I drove and called and asked if they would like a playpen. The lady on the phone was the sweetest and she was so excited that I was coming with a playpen.

As I walked in the Pregnancy Resource Center I thought they would just take it and that's it. Well the lady that I spoke to on the phone came out and spoke to me and asked if I wanted a tour and also had me fill out their book so they could thank me later. I had many thoughts of why would I want a tour. God knew why I needed a tour. These were my thoughts:

-Why would I want a tour?
-I am just dropping this off...
-I am not preggo and I don't need any type of assistance from them, I just want to donate Elanie's playpen.

The first room she took me in was the Ultrasound room. The tears began to flow as she began to tell me the procedures of when a woman comes to the resource center for the 1st time. I came out and said "I am so sorry, I had a miscarriage and this room reminds me of the day they told me my baby had no heartbeat." She felt so sorry and explained to me that she doesn't know how that feels because she has never had to experience it. On the wall was a newborn being held in the parents hands. I thought to myself I was able to do that with Elanie but not with Nehemiah. My heart hurt. We began to tour the rest of the center. I was amazed at what they have for anyone thats in need. They not only have things for expecting mothers and their spouses but they have videos and classes for parents. Then we went into the room where all the donations go. AMAZING! There are people that care and want to give. The donation room was packed from top to bottom.

So as you can see there was a reason why the lady wanted to give me a tour! God wanted to bring me back to that season of my life that at times I try and put way behind me.

I always remember you my Nehemiah!

It Is Well With My Soul,
Melanie

Reality has hit...

Today as we were driving to church, hubby and I started talking about dates and when and where once November comes around for retirement. I was like uh oh reality is finally hitting us. No jobs, no home to call ours, putting everything in storage, and just the what if's began. During church service I was reminded that I need to take the shield of faith. If I don't have faith in my Father then nothing will go right. He pin pointed on "tithing" and tithing is huge for me because I believe in it and know that He will bless us when we give our tithe. If we don't tithe then we don't have faith. That was where the ah hah moment came to me. If I don't believe in His Word then where is my faith.

Am I truly His child? Yes I am. Then why don't I do what the Word says? Well because at times I am not in his Word and I am letting the enemy get the best of me. The enemy will try and get the best of us during this period of a huge transition in our lives.

It's time to buckle down and strap on my sheild and walk in faith and not by sight.

Today's sermon really has me on fire to pray for many things and see the Lord do His glorious work in my family.

Enemy step aside.... WE got this!!!!


It Is Well With My Soul,
Melanie

I promise...

...to blog again very soon!!!

I have alot to share... Stay tuned ;)

My Daddy

My dad was loving but he was an alcoholic and used drugs. Even thru his addictions he still showed me that he loved my mom, my sister, and I. My father would sometimes call from jail because he either was stopped for DWI or whatever else he was up to. I remember going to jail to see him and till this day I can't believe that I had to see my father behind a glass window.

Through out all of this my mom stood strong and was a loving wife and mother. When I was about thirteen years old I remember one night hearing my mom weeping. I heard her so close by so I woke up and there she was sitting at my desk in my room writing a letter thru her sobbing. The next day she told my sister and I that she asked my father for a divorce after 22 years because of his addictions and problems that came with them. I remember seeing my father leave with all his belongings and my heart was broken into pieces.

When I was fourteen years old I remember being told that my father was sick with cancer and that he only had about 6 months to live. Okay my mom and dad just got divorced and now my dad is dying?! He had 2 tumors in his brain that were removed and came back not cancerous, but the cancerous tumors were in his lungs and were spreading like seeds thru out his body. I remember going to the VA hospital with him and my mom and we were sitting in a waiting room, waiting for him to be called back for something. I got up to use the restroom and when I got back my mom had tears in her eyes. He had been called back so I sat next to my mom and asked her why she was crying. She said to me "When you got up to use the restroom your dad asked me who you were." At the age of fourteen you don't understand what cancer is and what it does to your body. He ended up staying at the hospital. We visited him almost everyday after school. One day I walked into his room and watched him eating. He didn't understand that he had to bring his hand to his mouth to eat. I saw my mom bring his hand to his mouth to show him what to do with it. Memories I will cherish till this day! Like God showing me how to love and cherish everyday like it's your last...
{this is the first time I ever write about this so it's very hard!}

I had just started high school that year {1994}. There were days where I would sit outside of the classroom door and not want to go into class. I found myself wondering around the hallways or into the counselors office. Those memories are still so fresh to my heart. I remember those days and the only word I can say how I felt was "lost."

Through out the those months after the brain surgery the doctors told my father he had only months to live. I can't remember if he went thru any treatments. Thru out all of this my mom was still acting as his wife and loving him thru it all. Hospice ended up taking over and so my mom and grandma moved him out of the VA hospital and he lived with my grandma in a hospital bed. We would go see him everyday. The Hospice nurses were so sweet. At my age I didn't really understand why they were always there or on standby. I just thought they were so cool to hang out with us everyday! {LOL} When he would see my mom his eyes would light up so big. He wasn't able to speak but he tried. He loved his room being filled with all his loves ;) I wish I would of known the Lord the way I do now so that I could've clinged on to my Heavenly Father.

On October 30, 1994 we went to visit dad for.the.last.time.  Ugggg... I remember being at my grandma's to visit my dad but then my cousin took me to Walmart to go get laundry detergent. Hospice was at the house and dad wasn't doing very well. I kept hearing them saying his breathing was slowing down and how the color of his nails were changing. Off to Walmart we went... We heard our last name over the speakers in Walmart. I had no idea what that meant. My cousin goes and someone was on the phone from grandma's house to tell us to hurry up because my dad had passed away.

I don't remember saying bye to my dad. I remember walking into the house and seeing my dad wrapped in a black bag being rolled out of the house on a gurney.

I was his baby and I know he died still loving his baby girl. Even though I didn't get to say bye to him I hope and pray I see him in Heaven. Only God knows! I was very close to my father and now know that the problems my father had was addiction to alcohol and drugs.
 


Where was my faith at this time??? There wasn't! I was clinging to my own "world."

Here are some pictures that I will keep in my heart FOREVER....

Pray or Judge?

It was about 7:45 a.m. Tuesday morning (5.1.12) when I heard as if a two cars had hit in front of my apartment. As I laid in bed I began to hear sirens really close by. I got up quietly since my baby girl was sleeping next to me. Went to my window and sure enough there were cars, police, and firetrucks everywhere. It seemed as if the accident was farther up so I ran to my daughter's room and there laid a young girl on the road.

As I began to "judge" the accident I instead began to "pray." Sometimes I think back to different situations and say "who am I to judge."

 ⁷ But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Sam 16:7 www.biblegateway.com

I am sure many of you understand where I am coming from if you are reading this. I prayed that the Lord would be with both of the girls that were involved and that they both would know the Lord. The paramedics were already working on the girl that was hit by the car and the girl who was driving the car was alone next to her car crying with no one to cry on. My heart hurt for the two girls involved in this horrible accident. The one that was hit seemed to be conscious and was moving her arm and head so I just prayed that nothing major was wrong with her.

A man came to the rescue of the girl who was driving the car and they hugged. She started crying even more while she tried her hardest to tell him what had happened. Then came a lady and they hugged and cried together. The paramedics strapped the girl who was hit and off they went.

During the investigation all I could was pray that the Lord will give all of them peace and comfort and a speedy recovery.The investigation was very interesting as they used all these types of things to measure, cameras, chalk to mark each and every part of the road, and lots of paperwork was going around. I thought to myself and put my feet in both of their shoes and I can't imagine the thoughts of every single second of the accident will affect them both forever.

The girl that was driving drove away with the investigator as well as the lady that was with her but the man stayed behind because of the vehicle.

Hours later I went back to the bedroom to see the man walking back and forth near my apartment. In my heart I felt the need to take him a bottle of water. I dressed myself and my baby, took the dog with me, and out we went to show God's love. The EVER SO GREAT LOVE that the Lord places in one's heart just amazes me. I felt I was doing an Random Act of Kindness and I give ALL THE GLORY AND PRAISE TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY.

Thank you Lord for your unconditional LOVE you pour out to me today and everyday ;) I am grateful...

Love ya'll!

In Memory of Paul::bracelet::

So lately I've been searching for a custom made bracelet for my cousin, Paul Rivera, who was killed in action in Afghanistan on October 22, 2011. Him and I had a very special bond. We were more like a brother and sister. I miss him tremendously but I know He is in very good hands. ;) He is our "Angel in the Sky."

I will write more about him on my blog a little later this week or next.

Here I leave you my birthday gift to me to always remember him more! :)

Miss you cousin...

If you would like to check out who made it for me here are a few links:

I found her on Etsy
and she is also on Facebook
and she also has a blog ;)

Thank you Desiree Castro from Mano y Metal! You ROCK ;)

Have a blessed Saturday!

Wordless Wednesday

On Wednesdays all over the internet, bloggers post a photograph with no words to explain it on their blog. Hence the ‘wordless’ title. The idea is that the photo itself says so much that it doesn’t need any description.

Maria

I am telling you what Cafemom was such a blessing to me back in 2008. If you would like to connect with other women {they have lots of Christian groups} I would recommend it to any friend of mine. I met Maria around May of 2008. We both miscarried around the same time as well. Maria and I hit it off great on Cafemom, exchanged #'s and became great friends. ;) We have yet to meet IRL {In Real Life} but we always tell each other "just one of these days!" I remember the days Maria and I would talk on the phone and just vent and cry to each other. We would share Bible verses and pray for each other. She was Heaven sent just as well as Amanda was. I remember her telling me she was pregnant again. Maria and her husband were blessed in March of 2010 with a beautiful baby boy, Baylen! To God be the Glory!

The Bible verse that always comes to mind is Hebrews 11:1--"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Maria,

Wow girl in May it will be 4 years since we met on Cafemom and have yet met each other IRL, but like we always say "just one day ;)!" I know it's been 4 years since you lost your angel as well and I want you to remember that not a day goes by that I don't think of you or your angel! The Lord brought this friendship to flourish and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Now that we both have our blessings that we prayed for I know we are both busy mommies but I still love ya! I know our angels are best friends in Heaven! ;) May the Lord bless you and your family!

Love ya,
Melanie

Amanda & Noah

In March of 2008 after I miscarried I found a website called Cafemom (a meeting place online for moms). Cafemom was a site where I was able to chat with other moms that had also endured a miscarriage, stillborn birth, etc... I connected to so many women especially on the Christian women groups. I met a few older women in a group called Stepping Stones and they were huge prayer warriors thru out my grieving process.

Amanda and I met on Cafemom in June of 2008 on a Christian Miscarriage group. I came to find out after we exchanged each others stories that we both went thru a miscarriage the same week. Mine was the 22nd of March and hers was the 26th. I named my angel Nehemiah and she named hers Noah. God knew that He would help each other in our grieving process even if it was online. We have so much in common it's just all from God! :) Amanda and I have became very close over the past 4 years. We actually have met IRL (In Real Life) for Elanie's Baby Shower back in 2010. Her and her family came for a weekend and spent it with us! It was so awesome. ;)

Alot of Amanda's writings to me during the grieving process were many but here are 2 that really helped me:

"about God and his love for me"

"The Lord led me here to have a friend in you."

 Amanda,

I know the heartache that still lingers in our hearts but of course we both know our angels are flying high in Heaven with our Savior. What better way than to live here on earth?! Just makes Heaven even better and brighter... I can't wait to reunite in Heaven with our angels. I hope that you feel comfort and peace knowing that our angels are in no pain. I know Noah & Nehemiah are the bestest friends just like you and I and they are both telling each other "look at your mommy and my mommy, they are best friends like you and I" (awwww) Well bestie you know I am here for you even though we are miles away but with our texts and "long" emails we can get thru ANYTHING with His help from above! Look were we are now.... Only with His guiding hand...

Love you,
Melanie

If you would like to follow Amanda's blog go here ;)

Nehemiah

In January of 2008 my hubby and I found out we were expecting after several years of trying and a few infertility tests and medications.

In Feb of 2008 I went in for my first appointment at 7 weeks with my midwife and I was able to hear and see my precious baby on the ultrasound. My midwife said everything looked well and that she would see me back at 12 weeks. I started having a little morning sickness between 7 and 8 weeks but after my 8th week the morning sickness faded away. I didn't think anything of it since it was my first pregnancy.

On March 22nd I followed up with my midwife for my 12th week appointment. I didn't know what the midwife going to do that day so I took my camera since my hubby wasn't able to go. She stated she was just going to listen to the heartbeat with the Doppler. I then asked her if I could record it for my hubby and she was fine with it. As she started I was so excited to hear my precious little one. I held the camera and in a very low tone she said "please turn off your camera." My heart started to beat so fast. She said she couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat. She hooked up her ultrasound machine and sure enough my baby laid on the bottom of my uterus like a cotton ball. She said "I am sorry but the baby has passed away." I didn't know what to think. How was I going to tell my husband that our baby we have been waiting for and praying for has died? She called the Dr on call to confirm the death of my baby.

I laid there and didn't even watch the Dr on call look. My midwife and the Dr on call walked out of the room and I just laid there and cried. I felt a whisper from the Lord and it was "It is well with my soul." I then knew I was going to be okay with the help of the Lord. I sat up and started dialing my hubby's # and of course no answer. I then called the Commander's wife, Merry, who had also experienced a miscarriage early on. She picked up and I explained to her what happened and if she could get a hold of her husband so he could tell my husband to meet me at the hospital. She was so sweet and did exactly that while on the other line my hubby was calling in. I told him that the baby had no heartbeat and his response till this day still hurts. He just said "what, how, why" if only I had the answers for him.

I then got dressed and then was told to wait in another room while we waited for my hubby to arrive. I remember the room was full of newborn baby pictures all over one wall. I thought to myself "how dare they put someone who is going thru this in that type of room." He met me at the hospital and the Dr on call sat with us and gave me 3 options. I sat there and looked at her with no words. Option 1 was to have a D&C, Option 2 was to take a medication to dispose of the fetus, and Option 3 was to miscarry on my own. Option 1 I declined because I had heard in the past that any type of surgery on the uterus is not good especially women with infertility problems. Option 2 was a "let me think about it" and Option 3 was a no go because my baby had passed away around my 8th week mark. {tears} I went ahead with the medication.

All thru out this the comfort and peace of God was with us. I had grandma and cousins from Minnesota coming to see us because that was the exact weekend of Easter and they were driving in that exact day. My hubby then called my mom and sure enough she was on her way with my grandma and aunt. After getting my medications I was sent home and to call or go to the ER for anything after.

I remember walking upstairs to our bedroom and looking at the two ultrasound pictures we were blessed with at my first Dr appointment and that I had placed on our picture board above our bed. Hubby was right behind me and he took them down and placed them in a drawer and we sat on our bed and cried together. I remember just wanting to talk to someone that had gone thru a miscarriage. I called everyone I knew that I had told I was pregnant. Especially my Pastors in New York. I remembered that one of my pastors wives, Meredith, had gone thru a few miscarriages. She is the one I yearned to speak to. I spoke to her for about an hour and her sweet encouraging words is what I needed.

My family from Minnesota arrived and we cried and talked and my cousin and I spoke about her miscarriage. As much as I felt alone in my life I actually wasn't!

It was time for me to start the medication. As I read the side effects I was so scared to take it. I remember calling Margie (my spiritual mommy) and letting her know what happened and that I was scared to take this medication. She was very positive for me and read scripture to me. I felt some peace and went ahead and started the medication around 10 p.m.

My family was sleeping and all I could do was toss and turn in bed. Hubby was sleeping hard since he was a Drill Sgt and worked all day. I remember shaking and being cold and alone. I got up and went downstairs and called my mom who was on her way to Missouri to be with me. The meds had still not kicked in. It said it could take a few hours to start the process of disposing (this is really hard).

I remember my mom, aunt, and grandma arriving around 4:30 a.m. and I had such a sense of peace that I knew I could go thru it with the Lord and with my family. I did not know what I would go thru with this medication. I started having pains in my lower back and abdominal cramping around 5 a.m.

Soon after I had disposed our angel and after that I don't remember much. I remember waking my mom up and telling her that I did not feel good. I felt like I was going to black out. She stayed with me in the bathroom and fanned my face. All the sudden I felt a slap on my face from my loving Aunt Evelyn. I woke up really fast with my head underneath the sink, legs sticking straight out and my bottom sitting on the toilet. I remember EMT's coming to my rescue and they stated I may be hemorrhaging. They hooked me up to an IV and other things. Took me to the ER and there I was entering the operating room for a D&C. Kinda wished then I should of told the Dr just to do the D&C in the first place. 

I was put to sleep and when I woke up everything was all done and now it was time to go home, enjoy Easter somewhat with my family, and start the grieving process.

How I miss you my sweet Nehemiah (we don't know the sex of our angel but my sweet cousin Kike told me one day to name him/her and since then I fell so much peace. Thank you Kike!)... I can't wait till I meet you in Heaven one day ;) Love you sweet one! xoxoxoxo

Thank you Amanda Hoyt for making this sweet collage for us today. Your are one amazing light who shows the love of Christ. We love you!

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WENT THRU THIS SEASON IN MY LIFE!

Love, Melanie

Who am I...

Let me describe who I am... My name is Melanie, I am a Christian, I am married to my hubby of almost 10 years in August, he serves in the U.S. Army and will be retiring in less than a year, we have 2 sons {my step-sons}, 1 baby in Heaven {Baby Loss Mom}, and a precious Rainbow daughter, I am a stay-at-home mom, make handmade crochet items and other boutique items, persuing my certificate program in Medical Transcriptionist, daughter to a wonderful and loving mother, sister to an awesome and encouraging sister, niece to wonderful aunts and uncles, cousin to many cousins {especially 2 in Heaven}, and much more...

The title for my blog explains exactly the reason for this blog. We all go thru seasons in life, whether it be a loss in the family, a trial in life, and just life. The verse in the Bible that reminds me of my blog title is:

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

--from www.biblegateway.com--

and "It Is Well With My Soul" is what was whispered to my heart the day I lost my ~i~Nehemiah~i~ angel baby.

Stay tuned ;)

Testing...

Just testing what feels like my 10th blog that I PROMISE to keep up to date!