Thursday, March 22, 2012

Nehemiah

In January of 2008 my hubby and I found out we were expecting after several years of trying and a few infertility tests and medications.

In Feb of 2008 I went in for my first appointment at 7 weeks with my midwife and I was able to hear and see my precious baby on the ultrasound. My midwife said everything looked well and that she would see me back at 12 weeks. I started having a little morning sickness between 7 and 8 weeks but after my 8th week the morning sickness faded away. I didn't think anything of it since it was my first pregnancy.

On March 22nd I followed up with my midwife for my 12th week appointment. I didn't know what the midwife going to do that day so I took my camera since my hubby wasn't able to go. She stated she was just going to listen to the heartbeat with the Doppler. I then asked her if I could record it for my hubby and she was fine with it. As she started I was so excited to hear my precious little one. I held the camera and in a very low tone she said "please turn off your camera." My heart started to beat so fast. She said she couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat. She hooked up her ultrasound machine and sure enough my baby laid on the bottom of my uterus like a cotton ball. She said "I am sorry but the baby has passed away." I didn't know what to think. How was I going to tell my husband that our baby we have been waiting for and praying for has died? She called the Dr on call to confirm the death of my baby.

I laid there and didn't even watch the Dr on call look. My midwife and the Dr on call walked out of the room and I just laid there and cried. I felt a whisper from the Lord and it was "It is well with my soul." I then knew I was going to be okay with the help of the Lord. I sat up and started dialing my hubby's # and of course no answer. I then called the Commander's wife, Merry, who had also experienced a miscarriage early on. She picked up and I explained to her what happened and if she could get a hold of her husband so he could tell my husband to meet me at the hospital. She was so sweet and did exactly that while on the other line my hubby was calling in. I told him that the baby had no heartbeat and his response till this day still hurts. He just said "what, how, why" if only I had the answers for him.

I then got dressed and then was told to wait in another room while we waited for my hubby to arrive. I remember the room was full of newborn baby pictures all over one wall. I thought to myself "how dare they put someone who is going thru this in that type of room." He met me at the hospital and the Dr on call sat with us and gave me 3 options. I sat there and looked at her with no words. Option 1 was to have a D&C, Option 2 was to take a medication to dispose of the fetus, and Option 3 was to miscarry on my own. Option 1 I declined because I had heard in the past that any type of surgery on the uterus is not good especially women with infertility problems. Option 2 was a "let me think about it" and Option 3 was a no go because my baby had passed away around my 8th week mark. {tears} I went ahead with the medication.

All thru out this the comfort and peace of God was with us. I had grandma and cousins from Minnesota coming to see us because that was the exact weekend of Easter and they were driving in that exact day. My hubby then called my mom and sure enough she was on her way with my grandma and aunt. After getting my medications I was sent home and to call or go to the ER for anything after.

I remember walking upstairs to our bedroom and looking at the two ultrasound pictures we were blessed with at my first Dr appointment and that I had placed on our picture board above our bed. Hubby was right behind me and he took them down and placed them in a drawer and we sat on our bed and cried together. I remember just wanting to talk to someone that had gone thru a miscarriage. I called everyone I knew that I had told I was pregnant. Especially my Pastors in New York. I remembered that one of my pastors wives, Meredith, had gone thru a few miscarriages. She is the one I yearned to speak to. I spoke to her for about an hour and her sweet encouraging words is what I needed.

My family from Minnesota arrived and we cried and talked and my cousin and I spoke about her miscarriage. As much as I felt alone in my life I actually wasn't!

It was time for me to start the medication. As I read the side effects I was so scared to take it. I remember calling Margie (my spiritual mommy) and letting her know what happened and that I was scared to take this medication. She was very positive for me and read scripture to me. I felt some peace and went ahead and started the medication around 10 p.m.

My family was sleeping and all I could do was toss and turn in bed. Hubby was sleeping hard since he was a Drill Sgt and worked all day. I remember shaking and being cold and alone. I got up and went downstairs and called my mom who was on her way to Missouri to be with me. The meds had still not kicked in. It said it could take a few hours to start the process of disposing (this is really hard).

I remember my mom, aunt, and grandma arriving around 4:30 a.m. and I had such a sense of peace that I knew I could go thru it with the Lord and with my family. I did not know what I would go thru with this medication. I started having pains in my lower back and abdominal cramping around 5 a.m.

Soon after I had disposed our angel and after that I don't remember much. I remember waking my mom up and telling her that I did not feel good. I felt like I was going to black out. She stayed with me in the bathroom and fanned my face. All the sudden I felt a slap on my face from my loving Aunt Evelyn. I woke up really fast with my head underneath the sink, legs sticking straight out and my bottom sitting on the toilet. I remember EMT's coming to my rescue and they stated I may be hemorrhaging. They hooked me up to an IV and other things. Took me to the ER and there I was entering the operating room for a D&C. Kinda wished then I should of told the Dr just to do the D&C in the first place. 

I was put to sleep and when I woke up everything was all done and now it was time to go home, enjoy Easter somewhat with my family, and start the grieving process.

How I miss you my sweet Nehemiah (we don't know the sex of our angel but my sweet cousin Kike told me one day to name him/her and since then I fell so much peace. Thank you Kike!)... I can't wait till I meet you in Heaven one day ;) Love you sweet one! xoxoxoxo
Thank you Amanda Hoyt for making this sweet collage for us today. Your are one amazing light who shows the love of Christ. We love you!

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WENT THRU THIS SEASON IN MY LIFE!

Love, Melanie

5 comments:

  1. How wonderful for you to share your experience, as painful as I know it is to you. I am so proud of you. I've lived this many times thru my 26yrs of serving as an OB nurse. But it is harder for me when it is someone I love. Mel, God has a plan for us. I believe it with all my heart. Your loss was truly a gain. We just can't see it while grieving. There are women out there that need to hear your story. Find out perinatal or bereavement groups in RACH, and meet with mothers who you can bring hope, strength and Gods Love. Because you've been where they are, they will listen to you more than me. Nehemiah and Paul are serving our Father and someday we will have that big reunion. Till then let's celebrate them every year. Thanks for sharing. Love u! God Bless you and your family. Kike

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    1. Thank you cousin Kike! I have thought about doing some type of training in Perinatal or Bereavement classes. I remember after I lost Nehemiah I went to the hospital for a blood work and saw a bulletin board that had the hospital was having for those who have lost a baby and when I called to sign up they said those classes have been canceled due to people not showing ;( I was devastated! I will pray and see where the Lord guides me. Love you and thanks for your encouragement!

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  2. PS. Can't believe Evelyn really slapped u. I remember she was the meany one, but I thought it was just talk :). I for sure will be respecting her more from now on... Love u.

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    1. Kike she really slapped me and I woke right up. I think she's the one that found me passed out because mom knew I wasn't doing well so she yelled for Titi E to come to my rescue so she could go get Ralph upstairs to call 911... I forgive her! lol

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  3. Enjoyed your story! I went thru the same thing with my precious peanut my birthday weekend in October 2007. I was 6 weeks pregnant & so excited! Then started cramping bad & bleeding. Went to the hospital & there was nothing they could do or tell me WHY I was losing my baby. I don't talk about it much, cuz it just hurts so bad, still. I believe I cried the WHOLE weekend. Worst birthday ever for me. Makayla Brenn (if the baby was going to be a girl) was her name. I didn't have a boy name picked out cuz I was set on havin a girl! Sumtimes it helps (me at least) to read and hear others stories. I know many women go thru this, but ya still just feel alone

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In Memory of my cousin, Paul

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::In Memory of Nehemiah::

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