Thursday, September 5, 2013

Thankful Thursday

I am linking up today with Sarah at The Fontenot Four for the very first time today! ;)

I am thankful for:

*the ability to wake up each morning and thank Him for another day and go to Him in prayer

*to wake up next to my husband & my baby girl

*my marriage 

*to have a loving family and loving friends

*for our new home that is almost done

*for my brother-in-law & sister who have let us live with them for the past 10 months

*for my husbands job

*for our church family

*for the guidance as I plan out my very first Bible study on Infertility & Loss

*for the event coming up on September 14th in Katy, TX to remember all that have left this earth way too soon

*for those the Lord has placed in my path

*strength and peace

*for my sweet angel baby Nehemiah who has given me tremendous strength as a mother and has taught me to go out and be open about miscarriage/loss/grief/mourning/hope/be the voice

I can sit here all day and think of things that I am thankful for...

"My cup overflows with blessings."
Psalm 23:5b NLT

In Christ,

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Wordless Wednesday

I know it's Wordless Wednesday, but I first have to say that this morning I felt as if I needed to just Praise Him. Thru all the obstacles in life we need to PRAISE HIM anyway... Not praise him just when life is good, praise HIM when life sucks! With that said....

                                  Credit of this photo:

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Like {he} was nothing

Last night as I laid restless at bedtime, my heart and mind went straight to March 22, 2008, the day I found out that Nehemiah no longer lived, yet he still was in my womb {lifeless}.

{March 22, 2008}
I still remember it was my 12-week appointment with my midwife. I brought my camera so that I could record her using the doppler on my belly as she listened to the heartbeat so that R could listen to him after he got home from work.  I was so excited and ready since my last appointment on February 7, 2008, at 7 weeks and 2 days, had a very strong heartbeat. So this 12-week appointment was pretty exciting for me. {Little did I know...} As I started my camera she began to check for the heartbeat to find {nothing}. She then wiped my belly off from the gel and asked me to turn off my camera. She began the ultrasound machine and had me wait for the OB on call. As I laid there not understanding, she said "just pray honey" and she hugged me. The OB came in with her cute pregnant self and the silence was so honestly heartbreaking as if they already new. She found my baby laying in my womb with no life. Her words to me "I am so sorry but your baby no longer has a heartbeat, you had what we call a missed miscarriage."

{It is well with my soul}

My midwife helped me call my husband but of course I couldn't get a hold of him. I then called a wife of our company and she was able to have my husband call me. Since I had to wait for him they had me wait in an OB doctors office.

This is why I write this blog today: They treated me as if my baby was nothing. My heart breaks even now {again} and anger and sadness musters up in my heart. Why put me in a OB doctors office that is decorated in a "baby" theme, pictures of beautiful pregnant woman giving birth, and brand new bundles of joy? No one should have to go thru such a painful experience and then be put in that type of room.

My husband arrived and the OB gave me 3 options:

1.  D&C {didn't want one because I heard it can cause scarring, I already have infertility issues with a bicornuate uterus}

2.  Wait it out and release baby on my own {didn't want this since they figured he had passed in my womb at around my 8th week and it can become toxic}

3.  Medication that will help you release fetus {I picked this one} DO NOT RECOMMEND!

Why on earth did I pick this again? Because I didn't know any better and I didn't want a D&C due to more infertility problems.

After taking the medication, I began to release my baby 8 hrs later, and then I ended up having an emergency D&C the day after to get rid of any remains since I began to hemorrhage at home. That is why I do not recommend the medication {Cytotec}.

My new journey in life and hope is that I can begin some type of organization, where those who will walk the very same heartbreaking journey will go in it knowing that they will have that support, and not just here are some medications or let's do a D&C and your done. I want to be able to see a difference in hospitals. My loss happened in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri and I feel now that things could of been different. A fetus with a heartbeat is {LIFE!} I was growing {LIFE} in me for 12-weeks. They treated him like he was nothing...

This is what I would love to see in hospitals, birthing centers, etc...

1.  Have a section in the hospital where someone like me and many others can begin the grieving process. Of course at that point it is more like a shock. Not in a room decked out in "baby" theme, labor pictures, beautiful bumps, and newly born babies.

2.  Have counselors, chaplain, some type of support group to be able to give you handouts, memorial boxes, support groups, events, anything that will help in this {new} journey. I walked out with medication and that was IT!

3.  Be able to have a memorial even if you were just 12-weeks pregnant, be able to save your baby's remains to be able to have him/her cremated. I mean my baby lived with a heartbeat for goodness sake! I didn't have any idea what to do...

With all that said, my sweet Nehemiah I am so sorry I lost you the way I did, in a cold and horrible way in a bathroom. If I would of {had} the knowledge from a support group or a counselor from the hospital prior to me leaving with medications I think I would of been able to {keep} him in a beautiful urn or even a necklace holding his ashes.

It Is Well With My Soul,

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Day 5

Lately I have been feeling as if I don't have a need to blog.  Like who is really even reading my posts, am I just wasting my time, or is it even worth it?  I have came to the conclusion that it's not if any one is reading, I am not wasting any time, and yes it's worth it! The enemy sure knows how to burst my bubble! So with all that said I have thought of doing things like following other blogs where you link up and do different types of posts of certain things.  I found "Story of my life" from some other blog off of Facebook and decided to tag along. ;)

It's a challenge for the month of May. I know it's Day 5 but I am gonna do this anyway! Especially for what today's challenge is even if it's 8:58 p.m.

Day 5, Sunday: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don't have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member.

I would love to profess my love and devotion to Amanda Hoyt over at "The Hoyt Family" blog.  The bond her and I have is a relationship that has only came from our Father in Heaven!  When we were both going thru the most darkest days of our lives and even though we didn't know each other I feel we had HOPE that one day someone would know each others pain. We both miscarried within the same week of March 2008, but didn't meet till June of 2008 on Cafemom. Love you God-sent!

What makes her great?  She is just great overall. Always knows when to just send a text or a FB message just to say Hello, Love, How are you, etc... It's like a touch from our angels EVERYTIME we interact. Even though we live miles away we still act as if we live down the street from each other.  She always hurts when I hurt.  When I am having a bad day she listens. She is not great, she is AMAZING!!!

Why do I love her? Simple! He blessed me with the most amazing Sister in Christ! Her love for Christ, her kindness, her heart, her prayers, EVERYTHING!

LOVE YOU AMANDA!!! Thank you Father God for blessing me with one of your daughters.

It is well with my soul,

Friday, March 22, 2013

Where has the time gone?

It's gone just as the days fly by,

You were taken too soon,

You lived in my womb for a short few weeks,
I remember you only by one ultrasound,
You were a mover with a strong heartbeat,
5 years ago today you vanished before my eyes,
It was a nightmare,
Why is all I could say,
I felt cold and alone,
I prayed for peace and comfort from my Savior,
A whisper from the Holy Spirit calmed my heart,
Saying "It is well with my soul."
Written by:Your Mommy
I don't grieve anymore,
I don't cry as much,
I think of you often,
Reminded of you often,
As I look in the sky,
I always try and see if the clouds form into angel wings,
Because I know where you are,
Your in Heaven with all the other angels,
Where one day I will meet you face to face,
No pain, no suffering, no worrying, no grieving, no mourning, NOTHING,
One day baby you will be in my arms and that is why I no longer grieve your loss no more.
Written by:Your Mommy

In my heart always!

Love you my sweet Nehemiah!
<3 Mommy

Graphic made by: Amanda Hoyt

In Memory of my cousin, Paul


::In Memory of Nehemiah::

Click to play this Smilebox slideshow
Create your own slideshow - Powered by Smilebox
Digital slideshow generated with Smilebox

Check out my sweet::Sister in Christ::Emily J. Johnson Music

Sisterhood of Loss & Support