Friday, May 4, 2012

My Daddy

My dad was loving but he was an alcoholic and used drugs. Even thru his addictions he still showed me that he loved my mom, my sister, and I. My father would sometimes call from jail because he either was stopped for DWI or whatever else he was up to. I remember going to jail to see him and till this day I can't believe that I had to see my father behind a glass window.

Through out all of this my mom stood strong and was a loving wife and mother. When I was about thirteen years old I remember one night hearing my mom weeping. I heard her so close by so I woke up and there she was sitting at my desk in my room writing a letter thru her sobbing. The next day she told my sister and I that she asked my father for a divorce after 22 years because of his addictions and problems that came with them. I remember seeing my father leave with all his belongings and my heart was broken into pieces.

When I was fourteen years old I remember being told that my father was sick with cancer and that he only had about 6 months to live. Okay my mom and dad just got divorced and now my dad is dying?! He had 2 tumors in his brain that were removed and came back not cancerous, but the cancerous tumors were in his lungs and were spreading like seeds thru out his body. I remember going to the VA hospital with him and my mom and we were sitting in a waiting room, waiting for him to be called back for something. I got up to use the restroom and when I got back my mom had tears in her eyes. He had been called back so I sat next to my mom and asked her why she was crying. She said to me "When you got up to use the restroom your dad asked me who you were." At the age of fourteen you don't understand what cancer is and what it does to your body. He ended up staying at the hospital. We visited him almost everyday after school. One day I walked into his room and watched him eating. He didn't understand that he had to bring his hand to his mouth to eat. I saw my mom bring his hand to his mouth to show him what to do with it. Memories I will cherish till this day! Like God showing me how to love and cherish everyday like it's your last...
{this is the first time I ever write about this so it's very hard!}

I had just started high school that year {1994}. There were days where I would sit outside of the classroom door and not want to go into class. I found myself wondering around the hallways or into the counselors office. Those memories are still so fresh to my heart. I remember those days and the only word I can say how I felt was "lost."

Through out the those months after the brain surgery the doctors told my father he had only months to live. I can't remember if he went thru any treatments. Thru out all of this my mom was still acting as his wife and loving him thru it all. Hospice ended up taking over and so my mom and grandma moved him out of the VA hospital and he lived with my grandma in a hospital bed. We would go see him everyday. The Hospice nurses were so sweet. At my age I didn't really understand why they were always there or on standby. I just thought they were so cool to hang out with us everyday! {LOL} When he would see my mom his eyes would light up so big. He wasn't able to speak but he tried. He loved his room being filled with all his loves ;) I wish I would of known the Lord the way I do now so that I could've clinged on to my Heavenly Father.

On October 30, 1994 we went to visit dad for.the.last.time.  Ugggg... I remember being at my grandma's to visit my dad but then my cousin took me to Walmart to go get laundry detergent. Hospice was at the house and dad wasn't doing very well. I kept hearing them saying his breathing was slowing down and how the color of his nails were changing. Off to Walmart we went... We heard our last name over the speakers in Walmart. I had no idea what that meant. My cousin goes and someone was on the phone from grandma's house to tell us to hurry up because my dad had passed away.

I don't remember saying bye to my dad. I remember walking into the house and seeing my dad wrapped in a black bag being rolled out of the house on a gurney.

I was his baby and I know he died still loving his baby girl. Even though I didn't get to say bye to him I hope and pray I see him in Heaven. Only God knows! I was very close to my father and now know that the problems my father had was addiction to alcohol and drugs.

Where was my faith at this time??? There wasn't! I was clinging to my own "world."

Here are some pictures that I will keep in my heart FOREVER....

Pray or Judge?

It was about 7:45 a.m. Tuesday morning (5.1.12) when I heard as if a two cars had hit in front of my apartment. As I laid in bed I began to hear sirens really close by. I got up quietly since my baby girl was sleeping next to me. Went to my window and sure enough there were cars, police, and firetrucks everywhere. It seemed as if the accident was farther up so I ran to my daughter's room and there laid a young girl on the road.

As I began to "judge" the accident I instead began to "pray." Sometimes I think back to different situations and say "who am I to judge."

 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Sam 16:7

I am sure many of you understand where I am coming from if you are reading this. I prayed that the Lord would be with both of the girls that were involved and that they both would know the Lord. The paramedics were already working on the girl that was hit by the car and the girl who was driving the car was alone next to her car crying with no one to cry on. My heart hurt for the two girls involved in this horrible accident. The one that was hit seemed to be conscious and was moving her arm and head so I just prayed that nothing major was wrong with her.

A man came to the rescue of the girl who was driving the car and they hugged. She started crying even more while she tried her hardest to tell him what had happened. Then came a lady and they hugged and cried together. The paramedics strapped the girl who was hit and off they went.

During the investigation all I could was pray that the Lord will give all of them peace and comfort and a speedy recovery.The investigation was very interesting as they used all these types of things to measure, cameras, chalk to mark each and every part of the road, and lots of paperwork was going around. I thought to myself and put my feet in both of their shoes and I can't imagine the thoughts of every single second of the accident will affect them both forever.

The girl that was driving drove away with the investigator as well as the lady that was with her but the man stayed behind because of the vehicle.

Hours later I went back to the bedroom to see the man walking back and forth near my apartment. In my heart I felt the need to take him a bottle of water. I dressed myself and my baby, took the dog with me, and out we went to show God's love. The EVER SO GREAT LOVE that the Lord places in one's heart just amazes me. I felt I was doing an Random Act of Kindness and I give ALL THE GLORY AND PRAISE TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY.

Thank you Lord for your unconditional LOVE you pour out to me today and everyday ;) I am grateful...

Love ya'll!

In Memory of my cousin, Paul


::In Memory of Nehemiah::

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