Like {he} was nothing

Last night as I laid restless at bedtime, my heart and mind went straight to March 22, 2008, the day I found out that Nehemiah no longer lived, yet he still was in my womb {lifeless}.

{March 22, 2008}
I still remember it was my 12-week appointment with my midwife. I brought my camera so that I could record her using the doppler on my belly as she listened to the heartbeat so that R could listen to him after he got home from work.  I was so excited and ready since my last appointment on February 7, 2008, at 7 weeks and 2 days, had a very strong heartbeat. So this 12-week appointment was pretty exciting for me. {Little did I know...} As I started my camera she began to check for the heartbeat to find {nothing}. She then wiped my belly off from the gel and asked me to turn off my camera. She began the ultrasound machine and had me wait for the OB on call. As I laid there not understanding, she said "just pray honey" and she hugged me. The OB came in with her cute pregnant self and the silence was so honestly heartbreaking as if they already new. She found my baby laying in my womb with no life. Her words to me "I am so sorry but your baby no longer has a heartbeat, you had what we call a missed miscarriage."

{It is well with my soul}

My midwife helped me call my husband but of course I couldn't get a hold of him. I then called a wife of our company and she was able to have my husband call me. Since I had to wait for him they had me wait in an OB doctors office.

This is why I write this blog today: They treated me as if my baby was nothing. My heart breaks even now {again} and anger and sadness musters up in my heart. Why put me in a OB doctors office that is decorated in a "baby" theme, pictures of beautiful pregnant woman giving birth, and brand new bundles of joy? No one should have to go thru such a painful experience and then be put in that type of room.

My husband arrived and the OB gave me 3 options:

1.  D&C {didn't want one because I heard it can cause scarring, I already have infertility issues with a bicornuate uterus}

2.  Wait it out and release baby on my own {didn't want this since they figured he had passed in my womb at around my 8th week and it can become toxic}

3.  Medication that will help you release fetus {I picked this one} DO NOT RECOMMEND!

Why on earth did I pick this again? Because I didn't know any better and I didn't want a D&C due to more infertility problems.

After taking the medication, I began to release my baby 8 hrs later, and then I ended up having an emergency D&C the day after to get rid of any remains since I began to hemorrhage at home. That is why I do not recommend the medication {Cytotec}.

My new journey in life and hope is that I can begin some type of organization, where those who will walk the very same heartbreaking journey will go in it knowing that they will have that support, and not just here are some medications or let's do a D&C and your done. I want to be able to see a difference in hospitals. My loss happened in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri and I feel now that things could of been different. A fetus with a heartbeat is {LIFE!} I was growing {LIFE} in me for 12-weeks. They treated him like he was nothing...

This is what I would love to see in hospitals, birthing centers, etc...

1.  Have a section in the hospital where someone like me and many others can begin the grieving process. Of course at that point it is more like a shock. Not in a room decked out in "baby" theme, labor pictures, beautiful bumps, and newly born babies.

2.  Have counselors, chaplain, some type of support group to be able to give you handouts, memorial boxes, support groups, events, anything that will help in this {new} journey. I walked out with medication and that was IT!

3.  Be able to have a memorial even if you were just 12-weeks pregnant, be able to save your baby's remains to be able to have him/her cremated. I mean my baby lived with a heartbeat for goodness sake! I didn't have any idea what to do...

With all that said, my sweet Nehemiah I am so sorry I lost you the way I did, in a cold and horrible way in a bathroom. If I would of {had} the knowledge from a support group or a counselor from the hospital prior to me leaving with medications I think I would of been able to {keep} him in a beautiful urn or even a necklace holding his ashes.

It Is Well With My Soul,
Melanie

Day 5

Lately I have been feeling as if I don't have a need to blog.  Like who is really even reading my posts, am I just wasting my time, or is it even worth it?  I have came to the conclusion that it's not if any one is reading, I am not wasting any time, and yes it's worth it! The enemy sure knows how to burst my bubble! So with all that said I have thought of doing things like following other blogs where you link up and do different types of posts of certain things.  I found "Story of my life" from some other blog off of Facebook and decided to tag along. ;)

It's a challenge for the month of May. I know it's Day 5 but I am gonna do this anyway! Especially for what today's challenge is even if it's 8:58 p.m.

Day 5, Sunday: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don't have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member.

I would love to profess my love and devotion to Amanda Hoyt over at "The Hoyt Family" blog.  The bond her and I have is a relationship that has only came from our Father in Heaven!  When we were both going thru the most darkest days of our lives and even though we didn't know each other I feel we had HOPE that one day someone would know each others pain. We both miscarried within the same week of March 2008, but didn't meet till June of 2008 on Cafemom. Love you God-sent!

What makes her great?  She is just great overall. Always knows when to just send a text or a FB message just to say Hello, Love, How are you, etc... It's like a touch from our angels EVERYTIME we interact. Even though we live miles away we still act as if we live down the street from each other.  She always hurts when I hurt.  When I am having a bad day she listens. She is not great, she is AMAZING!!!

Why do I love her? Simple! He blessed me with the most amazing Sister in Christ! Her love for Christ, her kindness, her heart, her prayers, EVERYTHING!

LOVE YOU AMANDA!!! Thank you Father God for blessing me with one of your daughters.

It is well with my soul,
Melanie

Pregnancy Resource Center

We have 4 more months before the Army moves our belongings for the very.last.time. With that said we decided to start decluttering.  We have decided that we don't want any more children (unless the Lord places it in our hearts of course) so I thought the playpen could go to Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then I thought as I was driving towards Salvation Army that the Pregnancy Resource Center here in my town needs donations. It has a screw missing and I know that I couldn't consign it at the thrift store but I know it can be fixed in 1, 2, 3 by someone. I googled the Pregnancy Resource Center on my cell as I drove and called and asked if they would like a playpen. The lady on the phone was the sweetest and she was so excited that I was coming with a playpen.

As I walked in the Pregnancy Resource Center I thought they would just take it and that's it. Well the lady that I spoke to on the phone came out and spoke to me and asked if I wanted a tour and also had me fill out their book so they could thank me later. I had many thoughts of why would I want a tour. God knew why I needed a tour. These were my thoughts:

-Why would I want a tour?
-I am just dropping this off...
-I am not preggo and I don't need any type of assistance from them, I just want to donate Elanie's playpen.

The first room she took me in was the Ultrasound room. The tears began to flow as she began to tell me the procedures of when a woman comes to the resource center for the 1st time. I came out and said "I am so sorry, I had a miscarriage and this room reminds me of the day they told me my baby had no heartbeat." She felt so sorry and explained to me that she doesn't know how that feels because she has never had to experience it. On the wall was a newborn being held in the parents hands. I thought to myself I was able to do that with Elanie but not with Nehemiah. My heart hurt. We began to tour the rest of the center. I was amazed at what they have for anyone thats in need. They not only have things for expecting mothers and their spouses but they have videos and classes for parents. Then we went into the room where all the donations go. AMAZING! There are people that care and want to give. The donation room was packed from top to bottom.

So as you can see there was a reason why the lady wanted to give me a tour! God wanted to bring me back to that season of my life that at times I try and put way behind me.

I always remember you my Nehemiah!

It Is Well With My Soul,
Melanie

Maria

I am telling you what Cafemom was such a blessing to me back in 2008. If you would like to connect with other women {they have lots of Christian groups} I would recommend it to any friend of mine. I met Maria around May of 2008. We both miscarried around the same time as well. Maria and I hit it off great on Cafemom, exchanged #'s and became great friends. ;) We have yet to meet IRL {In Real Life} but we always tell each other "just one of these days!" I remember the days Maria and I would talk on the phone and just vent and cry to each other. We would share Bible verses and pray for each other. She was Heaven sent just as well as Amanda was. I remember her telling me she was pregnant again. Maria and her husband were blessed in March of 2010 with a beautiful baby boy, Baylen! To God be the Glory!

The Bible verse that always comes to mind is Hebrews 11:1--"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Maria,

Wow girl in May it will be 4 years since we met on Cafemom and have yet met each other IRL, but like we always say "just one day ;)!" I know it's been 4 years since you lost your angel as well and I want you to remember that not a day goes by that I don't think of you or your angel! The Lord brought this friendship to flourish and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Now that we both have our blessings that we prayed for I know we are both busy mommies but I still love ya! I know our angels are best friends in Heaven! ;) May the Lord bless you and your family!

Love ya,
Melanie

Amanda & Noah

In March of 2008 after I miscarried I found a website called Cafemom (a meeting place online for moms). Cafemom was a site where I was able to chat with other moms that had also endured a miscarriage, stillborn birth, etc... I connected to so many women especially on the Christian women groups. I met a few older women in a group called Stepping Stones and they were huge prayer warriors thru out my grieving process.

Amanda and I met on Cafemom in June of 2008 on a Christian Miscarriage group. I came to find out after we exchanged each others stories that we both went thru a miscarriage the same week. Mine was the 22nd of March and hers was the 26th. I named my angel Nehemiah and she named hers Noah. God knew that He would help each other in our grieving process even if it was online. We have so much in common it's just all from God! :) Amanda and I have became very close over the past 4 years. We actually have met IRL (In Real Life) for Elanie's Baby Shower back in 2010. Her and her family came for a weekend and spent it with us! It was so awesome. ;)

Alot of Amanda's writings to me during the grieving process were many but here are 2 that really helped me:

"about God and his love for me"

"The Lord led me here to have a friend in you."

 Amanda,

I know the heartache that still lingers in our hearts but of course we both know our angels are flying high in Heaven with our Savior. What better way than to live here on earth?! Just makes Heaven even better and brighter... I can't wait to reunite in Heaven with our angels. I hope that you feel comfort and peace knowing that our angels are in no pain. I know Noah & Nehemiah are the bestest friends just like you and I and they are both telling each other "look at your mommy and my mommy, they are best friends like you and I" (awwww) Well bestie you know I am here for you even though we are miles away but with our texts and "long" emails we can get thru ANYTHING with His help from above! Look were we are now.... Only with His guiding hand...

Love you,
Melanie

If you would like to follow Amanda's blog go here ;)

Nehemiah

In January of 2008 my hubby and I found out we were expecting after several years of trying and a few infertility tests and medications.

In Feb of 2008 I went in for my first appointment at 7 weeks with my midwife and I was able to hear and see my precious baby on the ultrasound. My midwife said everything looked well and that she would see me back at 12 weeks. I started having a little morning sickness between 7 and 8 weeks but after my 8th week the morning sickness faded away. I didn't think anything of it since it was my first pregnancy.

On March 22nd I followed up with my midwife for my 12th week appointment. I didn't know what the midwife going to do that day so I took my camera since my hubby wasn't able to go. She stated she was just going to listen to the heartbeat with the Doppler. I then asked her if I could record it for my hubby and she was fine with it. As she started I was so excited to hear my precious little one. I held the camera and in a very low tone she said "please turn off your camera." My heart started to beat so fast. She said she couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat. She hooked up her ultrasound machine and sure enough my baby laid on the bottom of my uterus like a cotton ball. She said "I am sorry but the baby has passed away." I didn't know what to think. How was I going to tell my husband that our baby we have been waiting for and praying for has died? She called the Dr on call to confirm the death of my baby.

I laid there and didn't even watch the Dr on call look. My midwife and the Dr on call walked out of the room and I just laid there and cried. I felt a whisper from the Lord and it was "It is well with my soul." I then knew I was going to be okay with the help of the Lord. I sat up and started dialing my hubby's # and of course no answer. I then called the Commander's wife, Merry, who had also experienced a miscarriage early on. She picked up and I explained to her what happened and if she could get a hold of her husband so he could tell my husband to meet me at the hospital. She was so sweet and did exactly that while on the other line my hubby was calling in. I told him that the baby had no heartbeat and his response till this day still hurts. He just said "what, how, why" if only I had the answers for him.

I then got dressed and then was told to wait in another room while we waited for my hubby to arrive. I remember the room was full of newborn baby pictures all over one wall. I thought to myself "how dare they put someone who is going thru this in that type of room." He met me at the hospital and the Dr on call sat with us and gave me 3 options. I sat there and looked at her with no words. Option 1 was to have a D&C, Option 2 was to take a medication to dispose of the fetus, and Option 3 was to miscarry on my own. Option 1 I declined because I had heard in the past that any type of surgery on the uterus is not good especially women with infertility problems. Option 2 was a "let me think about it" and Option 3 was a no go because my baby had passed away around my 8th week mark. {tears} I went ahead with the medication.

All thru out this the comfort and peace of God was with us. I had grandma and cousins from Minnesota coming to see us because that was the exact weekend of Easter and they were driving in that exact day. My hubby then called my mom and sure enough she was on her way with my grandma and aunt. After getting my medications I was sent home and to call or go to the ER for anything after.

I remember walking upstairs to our bedroom and looking at the two ultrasound pictures we were blessed with at my first Dr appointment and that I had placed on our picture board above our bed. Hubby was right behind me and he took them down and placed them in a drawer and we sat on our bed and cried together. I remember just wanting to talk to someone that had gone thru a miscarriage. I called everyone I knew that I had told I was pregnant. Especially my Pastors in New York. I remembered that one of my pastors wives, Meredith, had gone thru a few miscarriages. She is the one I yearned to speak to. I spoke to her for about an hour and her sweet encouraging words is what I needed.

My family from Minnesota arrived and we cried and talked and my cousin and I spoke about her miscarriage. As much as I felt alone in my life I actually wasn't!

It was time for me to start the medication. As I read the side effects I was so scared to take it. I remember calling Margie (my spiritual mommy) and letting her know what happened and that I was scared to take this medication. She was very positive for me and read scripture to me. I felt some peace and went ahead and started the medication around 10 p.m.

My family was sleeping and all I could do was toss and turn in bed. Hubby was sleeping hard since he was a Drill Sgt and worked all day. I remember shaking and being cold and alone. I got up and went downstairs and called my mom who was on her way to Missouri to be with me. The meds had still not kicked in. It said it could take a few hours to start the process of disposing (this is really hard).

I remember my mom, aunt, and grandma arriving around 4:30 a.m. and I had such a sense of peace that I knew I could go thru it with the Lord and with my family. I did not know what I would go thru with this medication. I started having pains in my lower back and abdominal cramping around 5 a.m.

Soon after I had disposed our angel and after that I don't remember much. I remember waking my mom up and telling her that I did not feel good. I felt like I was going to black out. She stayed with me in the bathroom and fanned my face. All the sudden I felt a slap on my face from my loving Aunt Evelyn. I woke up really fast with my head underneath the sink, legs sticking straight out and my bottom sitting on the toilet. I remember EMT's coming to my rescue and they stated I may be hemorrhaging. They hooked me up to an IV and other things. Took me to the ER and there I was entering the operating room for a D&C. Kinda wished then I should of told the Dr just to do the D&C in the first place. 

I was put to sleep and when I woke up everything was all done and now it was time to go home, enjoy Easter somewhat with my family, and start the grieving process.

How I miss you my sweet Nehemiah (we don't know the sex of our angel but my sweet cousin Kike told me one day to name him/her and since then I fell so much peace. Thank you Kike!)... I can't wait till I meet you in Heaven one day ;) Love you sweet one! xoxoxoxo

Thank you Amanda Hoyt for making this sweet collage for us today. Your are one amazing light who shows the love of Christ. We love you!

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WENT THRU THIS SEASON IN MY LIFE!

Love, Melanie