Last night as I laid restless at bedtime, my heart and mind went straight to March 22, 2008, the day I found out that Nehemiah no longer lived, yet he still was in my womb {lifeless}.
{March 22, 2008}
I still remember it was my 12-week appointment with my midwife. I brought my camera so that I could record her using the doppler on my belly as she listened to the heartbeat so that R could listen to him after he got home from work. I was so excited and ready since my last appointment on February 7, 2008, at 7 weeks and 2 days, had a very strong heartbeat. So this 12-week appointment was pretty exciting for me. {Little did I know...} As I started my camera she began to check for the heartbeat to find {nothing}. She then wiped my belly off from the gel and asked me to turn off my camera. She began the ultrasound machine and had me wait for the OB on call. As I laid there not understanding, she said "just pray honey" and she hugged me. The OB came in with her cute pregnant self and the silence was so honestly heartbreaking as if they already new. She found my baby laying in my womb with no life. Her words to me "I am so sorry but your baby no longer has a heartbeat, you had what we call a missed miscarriage."
{It is well with my soul}
My midwife helped me call my husband but of course I couldn't get a hold of him. I then called a wife of our company and she was able to have my husband call me. Since I had to wait for him they had me wait in an OB doctors office.
This is why I write this blog today: They treated me as if my baby was nothing. My heart breaks even now {again} and anger and sadness musters up in my heart. Why put me in a OB doctors office that is decorated in a "baby" theme, pictures of beautiful pregnant woman giving birth, and brand new bundles of joy? No one should have to go thru such a painful experience and then be put in that type of room.
My husband arrived and the OB gave me 3 options:
1. D&C {didn't want one because I heard it can cause scarring, I already have infertility issues with a bicornuate uterus}
2. Wait it out and release baby on my own {didn't want this since they figured he had passed in my womb at around my 8th week and it can become toxic}
3. Medication that will help you release fetus {I picked this one} DO NOT RECOMMEND!
Why on earth did I pick this again? Because I didn't know any better and I didn't want a D&C due to more infertility problems.
After taking the medication, I began to release my baby 8 hrs later, and then I ended up having an emergency D&C the day after to get rid of any remains since I began to hemorrhage at home. That is why I do not recommend the medication {Cytotec}.
My new journey in life and hope is that I can begin some type of organization, where those who will walk the very same heartbreaking journey will go in it knowing that they will have that support, and not just here are some medications or let's do a D&C and your done. I want to be able to see a difference in hospitals. My loss happened in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri and I feel now that things could of been different. A fetus with a heartbeat is {LIFE!} I was growing {LIFE} in me for 12-weeks. They treated him like he was nothing...
This is what I would love to see in hospitals, birthing centers, etc...
1. Have a section in the hospital where someone like me and many others can begin the grieving process. Of course at that point it is more like a shock. Not in a room decked out in "baby" theme, labor pictures, beautiful bumps, and newly born babies.
2. Have counselors, chaplain, some type of support group to be able to give you handouts, memorial boxes, support groups, events, anything that will help in this {new} journey. I walked out with medication and that was IT!
3. Be able to have a memorial even if you were just 12-weeks pregnant, be able to save your baby's remains to be able to have him/her cremated. I mean my baby lived with a heartbeat for goodness sake! I didn't have any idea what to do...
With all that said, my sweet Nehemiah I am so sorry I lost you the way I did, in a cold and horrible way in a bathroom. If I would of {had} the knowledge from a support group or a counselor from the hospital prior to me leaving with medications I think I would of been able to {keep} him in a beautiful urn or even a necklace holding his ashes.
It Is Well With My Soul,
Melanie
Showing posts with label D and C. Show all posts
Showing posts with label D and C. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Nehemiah
In January of 2008 my hubby and I found out we were expecting after several years of trying and a few infertility tests and medications.
In Feb of 2008 I went in for my first appointment at 7 weeks with my midwife and I was able to hear and see my precious baby on the ultrasound. My midwife said everything looked well and that she would see me back at 12 weeks. I started having a little morning sickness between 7 and 8 weeks but after my 8th week the morning sickness faded away. I didn't think anything of it since it was my first pregnancy.
On March 22nd I followed up with my midwife for my 12th week appointment. I didn't know what the midwife going to do that day so I took my camera since my hubby wasn't able to go. She stated she was just going to listen to the heartbeat with the Doppler. I then asked her if I could record it for my hubby and she was fine with it. As she started I was so excited to hear my precious little one. I held the camera and in a very low tone she said "please turn off your camera." My heart started to beat so fast. She said she couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat. She hooked up her ultrasound machine and sure enough my baby laid on the bottom of my uterus like a cotton ball. She said "I am sorry but the baby has passed away." I didn't know what to think. How was I going to tell my husband that our baby we have been waiting for and praying for has died? She called the Dr on call to confirm the death of my baby.
I laid there and didn't even watch the Dr on call look. My midwife and the Dr on call walked out of the room and I just laid there and cried. I felt a whisper from the Lord and it was "It is well with my soul." I then knew I was going to be okay with the help of the Lord. I sat up and started dialing my hubby's # and of course no answer. I then called the Commander's wife, Merry, who had also experienced a miscarriage early on. She picked up and I explained to her what happened and if she could get a hold of her husband so he could tell my husband to meet me at the hospital. She was so sweet and did exactly that while on the other line my hubby was calling in. I told him that the baby had no heartbeat and his response till this day still hurts. He just said "what, how, why" if only I had the answers for him.
I then got dressed and then was told to wait in another room while we waited for my hubby to arrive. I remember the room was full of newborn baby pictures all over one wall. I thought to myself "how dare they put someone who is going thru this in that type of room." He met me at the hospital and the Dr on call sat with us and gave me 3 options. I sat there and looked at her with no words. Option 1 was to have a D&C, Option 2 was to take a medication to dispose of the fetus, and Option 3 was to miscarry on my own. Option 1 I declined because I had heard in the past that any type of surgery on the uterus is not good especially women with infertility problems. Option 2 was a "let me think about it" and Option 3 was a no go because my baby had passed away around my 8th week mark. {tears} I went ahead with the medication.
All thru out this the comfort and peace of God was with us. I had grandma and cousins from Minnesota coming to see us because that was the exact weekend of Easter and they were driving in that exact day. My hubby then called my mom and sure enough she was on her way with my grandma and aunt. After getting my medications I was sent home and to call or go to the ER for anything after.
I remember walking upstairs to our bedroom and looking at the two ultrasound pictures we were blessed with at my first Dr appointment and that I had placed on our picture board above our bed. Hubby was right behind me and he took them down and placed them in a drawer and we sat on our bed and cried together. I remember just wanting to talk to someone that had gone thru a miscarriage. I called everyone I knew that I had told I was pregnant. Especially my Pastors in New York. I remembered that one of my pastors wives, Meredith, had gone thru a few miscarriages. She is the one I yearned to speak to. I spoke to her for about an hour and her sweet encouraging words is what I needed.
My family from Minnesota arrived and we cried and talked and my cousin and I spoke about her miscarriage. As much as I felt alone in my life I actually wasn't!
It was time for me to start the medication. As I read the side effects I was so scared to take it. I remember calling Margie (my spiritual mommy) and letting her know what happened and that I was scared to take this medication. She was very positive for me and read scripture to me. I felt some peace and went ahead and started the medication around 10 p.m.
My family was sleeping and all I could do was toss and turn in bed. Hubby was sleeping hard since he was a Drill Sgt and worked all day. I remember shaking and being cold and alone. I got up and went downstairs and called my mom who was on her way to Missouri to be with me. The meds had still not kicked in. It said it could take a few hours to start the process of disposing (this is really hard).
I remember my mom, aunt, and grandma arriving around 4:30 a.m. and I had such a sense of peace that I knew I could go thru it with the Lord and with my family. I did not know what I would go thru with this medication. I started having pains in my lower back and abdominal cramping around 5 a.m.
Soon after I had disposed our angel and after that I don't remember much. I remember waking my mom up and telling her that I did not feel good. I felt like I was going to black out. She stayed with me in the bathroom and fanned my face. All the sudden I felt a slap on my face from my loving Aunt Evelyn. I woke up really fast with my head underneath the sink, legs sticking straight out and my bottom sitting on the toilet. I remember EMT's coming to my rescue and they stated I may be hemorrhaging. They hooked me up to an IV and other things. Took me to the ER and there I was entering the operating room for a D&C. Kinda wished then I should of told the Dr just to do the D&C in the first place.
I was put to sleep and when I woke up everything was all done and now it was time to go home, enjoy Easter somewhat with my family, and start the grieving process.
How I miss you my sweet Nehemiah (we don't know the sex of our angel but my sweet cousin Kike told me one day to name him/her and since then I fell so much peace. Thank you Kike!)... I can't wait till I meet you in Heaven one day ;) Love you sweet one! xoxoxoxo
Thank you Amanda Hoyt for making this sweet collage for us today. Your are one amazing light who shows the love of Christ. We love you!
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WENT THRU THIS SEASON IN MY LIFE!
Love, Melanie
In Feb of 2008 I went in for my first appointment at 7 weeks with my midwife and I was able to hear and see my precious baby on the ultrasound. My midwife said everything looked well and that she would see me back at 12 weeks. I started having a little morning sickness between 7 and 8 weeks but after my 8th week the morning sickness faded away. I didn't think anything of it since it was my first pregnancy.
On March 22nd I followed up with my midwife for my 12th week appointment. I didn't know what the midwife going to do that day so I took my camera since my hubby wasn't able to go. She stated she was just going to listen to the heartbeat with the Doppler. I then asked her if I could record it for my hubby and she was fine with it. As she started I was so excited to hear my precious little one. I held the camera and in a very low tone she said "please turn off your camera." My heart started to beat so fast. She said she couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat. She hooked up her ultrasound machine and sure enough my baby laid on the bottom of my uterus like a cotton ball. She said "I am sorry but the baby has passed away." I didn't know what to think. How was I going to tell my husband that our baby we have been waiting for and praying for has died? She called the Dr on call to confirm the death of my baby.
I laid there and didn't even watch the Dr on call look. My midwife and the Dr on call walked out of the room and I just laid there and cried. I felt a whisper from the Lord and it was "It is well with my soul." I then knew I was going to be okay with the help of the Lord. I sat up and started dialing my hubby's # and of course no answer. I then called the Commander's wife, Merry, who had also experienced a miscarriage early on. She picked up and I explained to her what happened and if she could get a hold of her husband so he could tell my husband to meet me at the hospital. She was so sweet and did exactly that while on the other line my hubby was calling in. I told him that the baby had no heartbeat and his response till this day still hurts. He just said "what, how, why" if only I had the answers for him.
I then got dressed and then was told to wait in another room while we waited for my hubby to arrive. I remember the room was full of newborn baby pictures all over one wall. I thought to myself "how dare they put someone who is going thru this in that type of room." He met me at the hospital and the Dr on call sat with us and gave me 3 options. I sat there and looked at her with no words. Option 1 was to have a D&C, Option 2 was to take a medication to dispose of the fetus, and Option 3 was to miscarry on my own. Option 1 I declined because I had heard in the past that any type of surgery on the uterus is not good especially women with infertility problems. Option 2 was a "let me think about it" and Option 3 was a no go because my baby had passed away around my 8th week mark. {tears} I went ahead with the medication.
All thru out this the comfort and peace of God was with us. I had grandma and cousins from Minnesota coming to see us because that was the exact weekend of Easter and they were driving in that exact day. My hubby then called my mom and sure enough she was on her way with my grandma and aunt. After getting my medications I was sent home and to call or go to the ER for anything after.
I remember walking upstairs to our bedroom and looking at the two ultrasound pictures we were blessed with at my first Dr appointment and that I had placed on our picture board above our bed. Hubby was right behind me and he took them down and placed them in a drawer and we sat on our bed and cried together. I remember just wanting to talk to someone that had gone thru a miscarriage. I called everyone I knew that I had told I was pregnant. Especially my Pastors in New York. I remembered that one of my pastors wives, Meredith, had gone thru a few miscarriages. She is the one I yearned to speak to. I spoke to her for about an hour and her sweet encouraging words is what I needed.
My family from Minnesota arrived and we cried and talked and my cousin and I spoke about her miscarriage. As much as I felt alone in my life I actually wasn't!
It was time for me to start the medication. As I read the side effects I was so scared to take it. I remember calling Margie (my spiritual mommy) and letting her know what happened and that I was scared to take this medication. She was very positive for me and read scripture to me. I felt some peace and went ahead and started the medication around 10 p.m.
My family was sleeping and all I could do was toss and turn in bed. Hubby was sleeping hard since he was a Drill Sgt and worked all day. I remember shaking and being cold and alone. I got up and went downstairs and called my mom who was on her way to Missouri to be with me. The meds had still not kicked in. It said it could take a few hours to start the process of disposing (this is really hard).
I remember my mom, aunt, and grandma arriving around 4:30 a.m. and I had such a sense of peace that I knew I could go thru it with the Lord and with my family. I did not know what I would go thru with this medication. I started having pains in my lower back and abdominal cramping around 5 a.m.
Soon after I had disposed our angel and after that I don't remember much. I remember waking my mom up and telling her that I did not feel good. I felt like I was going to black out. She stayed with me in the bathroom and fanned my face. All the sudden I felt a slap on my face from my loving Aunt Evelyn. I woke up really fast with my head underneath the sink, legs sticking straight out and my bottom sitting on the toilet. I remember EMT's coming to my rescue and they stated I may be hemorrhaging. They hooked me up to an IV and other things. Took me to the ER and there I was entering the operating room for a D&C. Kinda wished then I should of told the Dr just to do the D&C in the first place.
I was put to sleep and when I woke up everything was all done and now it was time to go home, enjoy Easter somewhat with my family, and start the grieving process.
How I miss you my sweet Nehemiah (we don't know the sex of our angel but my sweet cousin Kike told me one day to name him/her and since then I fell so much peace. Thank you Kike!)... I can't wait till I meet you in Heaven one day ;) Love you sweet one! xoxoxoxo
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WENT THRU THIS SEASON IN MY LIFE!
Love, Melanie
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In Memory of my cousin, Paul
::In Memory of Nehemiah::
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